08 Sep Realisation?
I had the strangest dream last night.
Now, my long suffering husband will tell you that these words are so very known to him: I wake him up many a morning to tell him this – but this one felt different……
Since being a very small child, I’ve been unsettled by change. Scared by loud voices and completely stopped in my tracks by being told, ”we need to get ready to go”.
Growing up with my family and extended family, wasn’t completely horrible but it wasn’t a stable environment for someone as ”sensitive” as I am- nor for my two sisters, whose struggles I only began to see, later in life.
For my precious middle sister, realisation was too late: she tragically lost her life to cancer far too soon but was blessed with three perfect children and grandchildren. Incredible gifts of love – but I wonder at what price now when I consider how our young lives affected her too.
We three were – and are- an insecure bunch.
Born to an incredibly young Mum, who struggled with the sheer weight of responsibility v feeling okay herself then journeying through a childhood of changes, divorces, new partners and step families, our constant, like many, were our grandparents – for whom my love knows no bounds…..
My late sister identified each of us as ”people pleasers’- and she was so right – though at the time, it always felt that a smile and no complaints , were the way to go to save any unnecessary anger and inconvenience to the grown ups who had charge of us.
Back to my dream………….we are doing a little building work at home. It’s only an archway in an internal wall but the moving of comforting pictures and ornaments, stuff and nonsense, has very obviously unsettled my troubled soul deeply. A few days on, living in the mess, nothing feels familiar – and I’ve stupidly been feeling anxious about changes.
I suspect my ”grown up self” , has been giving the child in me, a good old telling off! Reminding the adult that it’s only building work and it will all pass and be worth it – then I can put my ”’pretty barriers” back up where they belong and feel safe again…
….but in my dream, I was young again. I’d come home from school to learn that my Mum had left and that we had to move on somewhere with my stepfather. That we had to say goodbyes and not look back – just keep moving and rebuild again.
Not entirely how things happened as a child but the emotion in the dream was real enough to deeply unsettle me and cause me to cry….
Then suddenly, an angel appeared to me and took my hand and said, ”come with me. we’ll say your goodbyes to those whom you love and you can gather our precious things together before you must go”.
Taking her hand, we went in search of the things – and, as we found them, one by one I realised that the ”things”/the barriers” that comfort me eg paintings/ornaments/stuff , had no place in my heart. I didn’t need them and I put them back where the angel and I had found them, finding peace in letting go and feeling strength in the fact that the people I loved and cared for, were still in my heart……..
Strange dream. Again, it’s only a hole in the wall but it really has brought home to me that even the most steady of us, have demons in our soul and heart that need to be dealt with then put down.
Also brought home how lucky my sisters and I were. So many families go through hell. Ours wasn’t the easier of emotional years but we had one another and love around us – and learned so very many lessons about human struggle and recognising the human in our parents. About not expecting a parent to be 100% perfect. About being insecure.
Today, I feel stronger. I realise that the security and comfort I seek is within me. Not things – and actually not people, though they help tremendously.
It starts with finding and knowing myself. And I’m grateful for the insight this dream gave me.