28 Sep Becoming Real.
I remember reading something in the book, The Velveteen Rabbit, which affected me very much.
Whilst I cannot remember the exact words (!), I remember the essence was that a teddy bear was explaining to a little boy that, the fact that the teddy only had one ear, little hair, many physical problems , was purely because he was so very loved – and that, to be so very loved, a teddy bear, like a person, often had many scars to show through the journey of loving and life.
How they looked, however, didn’t affect or alter how they were loved…
Basically, life and love aren’t perfect – and nor is a person anymore than a teddy bear.
These past months have been very hard for the world.
I’m ashamed of myself to admit that they have been very hard on my soul too. In fact, I’ve been in battle with myself for about 10 months, trying to analyse the ”whys” I’m feeling like I am – and trying to rationalise who stupid I must be, FOR feeling like I am! It’s been a war zone: one in which I fight daily but one that has to run parallel to my daily life, so that the battle is kept private and personal.
After all: what have I got to complain about? I have a husband, health, home, family, business, talents, furry friends – and , thank god, good friends, amongst whom one has stood next to me throughout – and is urging me to look at why the battle is being fought in order to survive it.
Depression and anxiety are terrible feelings.
Lonely, debilitating, surprising and concerning – but I’m at a point where I’m tired of pretending I’m okay: I’m not – but I’ve decided I’m going to be, whatever that takes…..
Who knows what triggers have got me to this point? Who knows how long it’s taken or why it’s come to a head now. Who knows.
But who knows how any one person who is struggling, is struggling as they are – but we all know how hard it is when it’s too late. When we’ve not seen the struggle or been able to help with it . Reflection and regrets are no good. The time is now.
From all I’m reading, again prompted by the most beautiful soul who is simply listening to me and letting me be, so very many people suffer. Most of them in secret and many of them, like me, performing almost as normal in daily life.
I cannot answer for anyone else, nor can I change the world for anyone else until I can change how I feel about myself. Today, that feeling isn’t good but deep inside I know it will be okay and that I’m as worthy as the next soul – I’ve just got to get back ”behind the wheel” of my own life so to speak.
Please don’t get me wrong: I don’t want sympathy: I am doing this – but I want to acknowledge that depression and anxiety are so very present in so many lives but sadly, the depth of love and kindness I’m being shown, often isn’t.
People are precious. Life can be very tough. Every word and deed has potential to help or hinder another.
Let’s just be real.