15 Dec Growing up…
When I was 7, I wanted to be 12.
12 was SO grown up! I remember writing my name and ”age 12” inside of the lid of the typewriter I got for Christmas – when I was 7. 12 was NEVER going to happen….
Now, I’m 60 plus a few months interest and I don’t know where the years have gone. Worse, I don’t know how I ever took for granted, the many loved ones in my family and close friends, who have also gone……..it beggars belief that things are as they are today – but this is real life.
Today is the first anniversary of the passing of our beautiful sister, Maxine. Steph, our baby sister and I are left as a two-but-always-three ”shape” – and its awful but it’s how it is. Maxine grew up beautifully, had the most amazing children and they’ve gone on to have the most incredible children of their own (well two out of the three of them have had children so far!). Steph too, has two gorgeous children and a grandchild who is beyond wonderful: she’s a diva and mini Steph, all wrapped up together….
Yet when we were alone together as sisters, we hadn’t grown up at all. The rivalries/stories/affection and disagreements plus dreams and hopes, all remained as those of our childhood – and we could revert to type in a nano-second, each one being right . As the eldest, I pulled ”serious rank”. Maxine, the middle sister, curious, creative and stunning, got away with straightforward yet coloured in ”honesty” – and Steph, a mix of peacemaker , troublemaker (in the nicest sense) and fun leader all wrapped up in a beautiful soul.
Reflecting today on where the years have gone, I can see that somewhere deep down, the child is still me: the love of playing/family/mischief/christmas and sheer wonder at all things in life, particularly animals, is present: simply the years have dulled the joy and ability to ”seize the moment”- which is very sad but happens.
The wrinkles, ”life” weight and actual weight don’t bother me TOO much – but being without Maxine bothers me terribly. So much unsaid and so much of life ahead for her to enjoy her own family too……….heartbreaking.
Except I know life goes on, in a different dimension, in a new way and with an understanding of pure love that our human brains cannot begin to fathom. I know that what my sister will be experiencing, will be infinite love and peace – and I’m grateful for that.
Maybe, in leaving us so early, she was one of our true lessons in ”growing up” and inspiring us to ‘take a breath” and ”cherish what is” –